My Grandma Helen

Wow it has been a long week and it is only Wednesday, but for the last 2 days I have felt tomorrow is Friday... I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings and experiences these last few days. Our dear beloved Grandma Helen was called home to our Heavenly Father Monday evening and even though, at 90 years old, she has lived a long and fulfilled life, we miss her and our hearts ache for her absence. I am grateful for the opportunity I had to not only get to meet this woman, but to have her be apart of my life and get to know her personally. I remember meeting her for the first time and she was so instantly welcoming. (My mother-in-law inherited this trait from her) She loved me and accepted me as her own granddaughter. Even before James and I were officially married she became MY Grandma Helen. I am honored to have had the chance to know her in this life and truly look forward to seeing her again someday.

Lets go back a couple weeks... The 15th of February James calls me from work and says grandma is sick in the hospital and felt we should go down and see her. We later found out she was supposed to be sent home in 2 days, so it didn't seem as though she was at serious risk for us to rush down. We wondered if we should even go. We didn't want to intrude on her while trying to feel well in the hospital, and we figured we would go down shortly after I was finished with my student teaching to spend some time with her. Saturday morning came, my little Lenore's second birthday, and we thought it would be fun to just get out of the valley for the day. I felt an overwhelmingly strong impression we needed to go see her. I told James and we went down. We got to spend some quality time with her. She had put on her make-up that day and told us how the nurses didn't believe she was 90 because she didn't have white hair. "I will NEVER have white hair!" she said with her acute sense of humor. I left the room for a while to take my restless children on a walk around the hospital and James got to talk with grandma and spend time with our Hudson for a while. It is so good to know she got to meet my children. We had some quality one on one time with her that day.

When we got there they had told her she wouldn't be going home the next day because she had a little bit of water in her lungs. They thought maybe in two days things would look better. When we left the hospital James and I agreed that we were both glad we listened to the prompting to go down and see her. I felt in my heart she wouldn't be going home and if so chance it was her time we got to see her and chat with her as her pretty normal self, which was comforting.

We went about our week and things kind of took a turn for the worse with grandmas health. Sunday morning I had a strong feeling grandma was going to leave us. I didn't say anything because I didn't know if it was me thinking in fear or personal intuition. During church I felt that grandma was going to pass away tomorrow (the 25th). I told James of my feeling as soon as he got a call from his brother around 4 p.m. saying grandma was in bad shape and we needed to head down as soon as possible. We loaded the kids in the car and took off. I had to get back to Logan that night to be at work (student teaching) Monday morning, but I left James to stay as long as he needed. My heart longed to be there with him. I was terribly torn, but knew I had to get back. I fortunately got to go inside and spend about 10 minutes with grandma before I had to get back on the road.

I walked into her room and could hear and see her agony. I literally used everything inside of me to fight back the tears. (This is extremely hard for me, because I have no control over my emotions EVER) I wanted cry but felt I needed to be strong for her and for James. I sat by her and eventually went over to her side and held her hand and petted her hair. I felt so helpless. She muttered a few words here and there... She told me she was going to go. She said she wanted to. I didn't blame her either. (I would want to go if I was in as much pain as she seemed to be in!) I prayed she would hold on until my mother-in-law arrived. I kissed her head and said goodbye, (still fighting back tears), and waved as she smiled at me as I walked out the room. I was able to get in my car and started on the free way.

My heart was terribly troubled for many reason. I wanted to stay and I couldn't, My heart broke for the pain my grandma was in, and I was concerned for my family. Particularly my mother-in-law and sister-in-law Samantha. I called Sam to check up on her and as soon as I heard her voice I couldn't keep it in any longer. We sobbed on the phone together and as hard as it was, it was healing for me to talk about it. I wished for the fact she could be with grandma- knowing how bad I wanted to be there (I knew for her it was multiplied by 10+). As I have gotten older and have become more experience with death and being around families and my family who have lost loved ones, I realize something about myself. I am deeply empathetic. I appreciate this about myself, although I hate it sometimes because it means I bawl like a baby and literally cannot control a single emotion I possess. I internalize every feeling someone must have and it consumes my mind and emotions. This feeling was no different Sunday night for my family. Thankfully my mother-in-law made it down and was with her when she passed. I am personally grateful for that, as I am sure she is too.

Grandma with my little Hudson this last summer

I anxiously was by my phone all day and waited to hear news from my husband. He was good at keeping me posted throughout the day. About 6 pm I received the call she had passed. It was another emotionally exhausting evening and I didn't much sleep, but Tuesday morning I felt an overwhelming amount of peace and happiness. There is a longing in my heart to see her again, but I think of the celebration that awaited her and I cannot help but smile. I cannot help but imagine how happy she is, pain free, and with so many people to love her and give her all the attention in the world! (I know she is in heaven! -Figuratively and literally ;) ) I  know this weekend will be hard, but I am looking forward to the chance to celebrate the wonderfully lived life of my Grandma Helen.

Stay at Home Mom...

Ah, the never ending debate as to whether moms should stay at home or go to work... I could get into it and cause someones blood to boil, but I will keep my VERY strong opinions about this issue to myself! I do want both sides of the fence moms to know though... that being a mom is hard! EITHER way! It is a very difficult, frustrating, tiring job. Obviously, it is also the most amazing and rewarding job, but lets face it... the hardest things to do are always the most rewarding. This however is NOT what this post is about.

This is a post of 10 reasons why moms should be home... not for the moral reasons though...

1) Working moms have to get up AND out the door around 7:30. This isn't just getting HERSELF ready either, it is getting 3 children ready who cannot do a single thing for themselves... Trust her that is exhausting enough for the day!

2) As soon as she is ready her child poops and needs a diaper change as soon as she is about to put them in the car.

3) It is so icy outside she has to park across the street where the sun hits the ground, so she doesn't get stuck for a second time that week in her parking place and have to call her husband to walk home from work to push her out and show up late for work again.... it also takes her 3 trips to the car because she has to individually carry each child across the ice and all the things she needs to take to work.

4)Her other child has a potty accident in the car on the way to the sitter and she doesn't know until she shows up and also realizes she has no extra pants or underwear for him to wear.

5)She gets inside and realizes she also forgot to bring formula for the baby and has to run to the nearest store to buy some, along with a bottle, because her house is a 20 minute drive each way.

6) Then as she is finally pulling out to get to work she is already running late for, she gets stuck in her babysitters snow and ice covered driveway for 30 minutes, until 4 women are digging and pushing her mini-van out of the pile.

7) She shows up late, wet, and dirty for work.

8) After she struggles getting her children dressed and wrestled back into the car from the sitter she has to head down the street to the store. She places all of them in the back of the cart and uses the children's laps to place the few items she NEEDS on them. (She is planning another trip in her mind when the husband gets home to get everything she can go without for the time being.) People are staring at her as if she were a mutant from Mars. (It couldn't possibly be because of the squished and screaming children she is ignoring in the cart!)

9) She get home to put in a freezer meal that is only supposed to take an hour to cook, but ends up being at least 2 hours and now she and the kids are starving and it is way past their bed time. (She is wishing she picked up burgers or a pizza on the way home.)

10) She doesn't want a repeat of the same day so she parks at the end of the sitters driveway and somehow grows an extra arm to haul all the children through the snow up the large hill just not to get stuck on the ice. She picks up a pizza and spends more than her days pay on food for her family because cooking dinner just isn't in her physical capacity tonight.

DISCLAIMER: THE THINGS IN THE ABOVE STATEMENTS ARE ALL TRUE. THEY HAVE ALL HAPPENED TO ME AT SOME TIME OR ANOTHER. NOT ON THE SAME DAY.

There are many more reasons why it is nice for mom to be at home, but I will not discredit the stay at home mom either... BOTH are exhausting and time demanding jobs! One woman does not necessarily have it easier than the other. Yes, as a stay at home mom your anxiety level can be lower because time demands aren't as critical. However; stay at home moms never get a break all day and have rare adult interaction! I admire hard working women who help support their family when it is needed and I admire women who stay home to raise their babies when income is being sufficed by their husbands. I never thought being a mom would be so much work and I have never loved my own mother more than when I became one myself. :) Now off to plan lessons for school and hope to get off to bed before midnight...