I have been under the impression lately I need to start journaling. I am listening to Henry B. Eyring's biography and it motivates me even more to actually do it.
It’s summer break and the older 3 kids are home from school. Hudson will start 1st Grade, Lenore 2nd, and Carlyle 3rd this fall. I’ll be honest, it’s nice having them in school. It’s hard having them all home at the same time all day! Someone is always fighting or fitting about something. By the end of the day I am so done...sometimes by 9am I am done. Its not for the faint in heart.
I hope this parenting business is forgivable by God and by my children. I love my kids and there isn’t anything in this world I wouldn’t do for them, but it is emotionally exhausting sometimes. I can only pray and have faith that the Lord will make up for all that I lack and they will grow up to be wonderful humans, contributing to society, and the gospel.
Hudson was so mad at me a few months ago because in the car I told him he couldn’t do something he wanted to do when he got home. He was furious and frustrated. He screamed at me, he said “fine! But when I grow up, I am going to be a cop, and I’ll arrest you, and put you in jail, and then you ain’t going to be nobody’s Mom!” I swear he must have thought this up in his head long before he exploded.
I tried so hard not to bust up laughing, but I couldn’t help snicker a little bit. Boy, that kid sure keeps me on my toes. He needs extra love and patience, which I know I don’t always provide for him.
I remind myself to breath often and tell myself I wont yell or I will have fun with the kids, but then end up getting to a breaking point as some point during the day. I wish I were one of those moms that could always be positive and happy and fun, but I have 5 kids under the age of 8, and sometimes (more often than not) I am empty. I am the giving tree, with nothing left to give. I try to take time for myself and rejuvenate, so I can better care for my kids at a higher level, but I don't think there is enough time in my day to fill my bucket as fast as it drains. Will my kids remember this about me? Will they resent me for it? Will I enjoy them more as they get older? I hope so.
I don't want to sound negative or that I don't enjoy my children, or don't want to be around them. I do! I really do! I love being with my children. I just struggle being with ALL of them at the same time. And its hard to find time to have one on one time and still fit in time I need for me and not leaving someone out. I truly enjoy each one of my kids when I have them to myself.
Arney is a joy. He is truly all boy! Loves to get dirty and climb on, touch, and get into everything he isnt supposed to. He loves me. He cries when I leave the room, or drop him off at nursery. He gives me the biggest hugs and open mouth, wet kisses. He loves animals and babies- especially Phoebe Krey. He loves to hug and kiss and pinch her just to get close to her. He adores his siblings and they can get him to laugh so hard! Especially Lenore. Everyone loves Arney. He will go sit on the lap of an 80 year old man at church and loves to snuggle grandpas. He makes their day.
Hannah is a delight. Nobody is perfect, but she is pretty darn close. She is funny and happy and loves to give hugs and kisses. I love her little lisp she has. When she was 2, or close to it, Carlyle was helping her out of the car and accidentally dropped her on her face. Her front tooth chipped and she had to get it pulled this year because it was getting infected. I will miss her little voice and toothless grin when she grows up. I truly love being around Hannah. She loves to help me bake and follow me around, giving me commentary on the entire day. She can talk your ear off. Its adorable.
Hudson is full of fire. He can be the most difficult child, full of anger and rage. Then turn around and be the most kind, sensitive, and sweet little guy. I love how inquisitive he is. He always asks the tough questions, like "how do the babies actually get in the tummy?" He is full of questions about the world and the world around him. I love getting to spend quality time with him because he always to calm down when he isn't having to compete for attention. He is also so talented and coordinated. He can dribble a basketball well, and is picking up on the piano so quickly. He is a good friend and always has a buddy at school to play with. He will get in little quarrels and come home and tell me things like, "Conner ex-ed our friendship, but don't worry, he will still invite me to his house." He makes funny faces and does voices to make us laugh. His teachers always tell me how obedient and kind he is at school and how much they enjoy him. I hope I can connect with him more often.
Carlyle is growing up so fast. He is one smart cookie. I love hanging out with Carlyle. He teaches me to be a better person. He struggles with anxiety and social connections sometimes. He makes friends and is a good friends, but doesn't have solid groups of kids he can turn to. I don't mind really. He loves to play with Camilla Florido, and she is such a good kid, I have no problem with them being friends. His cousins, HelenAnn and Nicole are his best friends and he looks forward to seeing them any chance he can get. I love talking movies, books and science with him. Its fun to see him grow up. His fits can be hard sometimes as he is getting older, but I pray he can really find his own testimony and discernment of the spirit in his life.
Today we went to playgroup with some friends from the Stake and enjoyed the beautiful trees and weather we have been having,. I then dropped off my kids at the Krey's tonight, so I could get some things done at the house and pack for the beach tomorrow morning. We were going to take the kids swimming, but Lenore was being sassy when we went to pick the kids up, Carlyle had hurt Hudson, and Hudson was throwing a fit so they lost out on swimming and they were not happy about it. Carlyle threw a big fit and told us he would run away. He only made it down the street. The others were hurt and sad with tears and I stuffed my face with popcorn and chocolate after the kids went to bed to try to ease the stress. It didn't work. I am hoping for a better week full of a little more sleep and smiles.
That's it for now!