My Grandma Helen

Wow it has been a long week and it is only Wednesday, but for the last 2 days I have felt tomorrow is Friday... I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings and experiences these last few days. Our dear beloved Grandma Helen was called home to our Heavenly Father Monday evening and even though, at 90 years old, she has lived a long and fulfilled life, we miss her and our hearts ache for her absence. I am grateful for the opportunity I had to not only get to meet this woman, but to have her be apart of my life and get to know her personally. I remember meeting her for the first time and she was so instantly welcoming. (My mother-in-law inherited this trait from her) She loved me and accepted me as her own granddaughter. Even before James and I were officially married she became MY Grandma Helen. I am honored to have had the chance to know her in this life and truly look forward to seeing her again someday.

Lets go back a couple weeks... The 15th of February James calls me from work and says grandma is sick in the hospital and felt we should go down and see her. We later found out she was supposed to be sent home in 2 days, so it didn't seem as though she was at serious risk for us to rush down. We wondered if we should even go. We didn't want to intrude on her while trying to feel well in the hospital, and we figured we would go down shortly after I was finished with my student teaching to spend some time with her. Saturday morning came, my little Lenore's second birthday, and we thought it would be fun to just get out of the valley for the day. I felt an overwhelmingly strong impression we needed to go see her. I told James and we went down. We got to spend some quality time with her. She had put on her make-up that day and told us how the nurses didn't believe she was 90 because she didn't have white hair. "I will NEVER have white hair!" she said with her acute sense of humor. I left the room for a while to take my restless children on a walk around the hospital and James got to talk with grandma and spend time with our Hudson for a while. It is so good to know she got to meet my children. We had some quality one on one time with her that day.

When we got there they had told her she wouldn't be going home the next day because she had a little bit of water in her lungs. They thought maybe in two days things would look better. When we left the hospital James and I agreed that we were both glad we listened to the prompting to go down and see her. I felt in my heart she wouldn't be going home and if so chance it was her time we got to see her and chat with her as her pretty normal self, which was comforting.

We went about our week and things kind of took a turn for the worse with grandmas health. Sunday morning I had a strong feeling grandma was going to leave us. I didn't say anything because I didn't know if it was me thinking in fear or personal intuition. During church I felt that grandma was going to pass away tomorrow (the 25th). I told James of my feeling as soon as he got a call from his brother around 4 p.m. saying grandma was in bad shape and we needed to head down as soon as possible. We loaded the kids in the car and took off. I had to get back to Logan that night to be at work (student teaching) Monday morning, but I left James to stay as long as he needed. My heart longed to be there with him. I was terribly torn, but knew I had to get back. I fortunately got to go inside and spend about 10 minutes with grandma before I had to get back on the road.

I walked into her room and could hear and see her agony. I literally used everything inside of me to fight back the tears. (This is extremely hard for me, because I have no control over my emotions EVER) I wanted cry but felt I needed to be strong for her and for James. I sat by her and eventually went over to her side and held her hand and petted her hair. I felt so helpless. She muttered a few words here and there... She told me she was going to go. She said she wanted to. I didn't blame her either. (I would want to go if I was in as much pain as she seemed to be in!) I prayed she would hold on until my mother-in-law arrived. I kissed her head and said goodbye, (still fighting back tears), and waved as she smiled at me as I walked out the room. I was able to get in my car and started on the free way.

My heart was terribly troubled for many reason. I wanted to stay and I couldn't, My heart broke for the pain my grandma was in, and I was concerned for my family. Particularly my mother-in-law and sister-in-law Samantha. I called Sam to check up on her and as soon as I heard her voice I couldn't keep it in any longer. We sobbed on the phone together and as hard as it was, it was healing for me to talk about it. I wished for the fact she could be with grandma- knowing how bad I wanted to be there (I knew for her it was multiplied by 10+). As I have gotten older and have become more experience with death and being around families and my family who have lost loved ones, I realize something about myself. I am deeply empathetic. I appreciate this about myself, although I hate it sometimes because it means I bawl like a baby and literally cannot control a single emotion I possess. I internalize every feeling someone must have and it consumes my mind and emotions. This feeling was no different Sunday night for my family. Thankfully my mother-in-law made it down and was with her when she passed. I am personally grateful for that, as I am sure she is too.

Grandma with my little Hudson this last summer

I anxiously was by my phone all day and waited to hear news from my husband. He was good at keeping me posted throughout the day. About 6 pm I received the call she had passed. It was another emotionally exhausting evening and I didn't much sleep, but Tuesday morning I felt an overwhelming amount of peace and happiness. There is a longing in my heart to see her again, but I think of the celebration that awaited her and I cannot help but smile. I cannot help but imagine how happy she is, pain free, and with so many people to love her and give her all the attention in the world! (I know she is in heaven! -Figuratively and literally ;) ) I  know this weekend will be hard, but I am looking forward to the chance to celebrate the wonderfully lived life of my Grandma Helen.