This post is a little out of my comfort zone so I am going to pretend nobody is actaully going to read it. That way I can write what comes to mind and not sarcastic remarks that hide how I truly feel on a sensitive and sacred topic. I am not one to poor out my soul to others... unless you are one of the very lucky ones who have had the rare occasion to have a heart to heart with me! I however know that it will be important for my children to read our families story and know that I have a testimony of the true and living Gospel of Jesus Christ.
I had the wonderful opportunity to attend Time Out for Women with my fabulous mother! It was my first time and to be honest I was only excited to go to spend time with my mom, not for the uplifting spirit I would feel. I was cynical at the idea of a bunch of women getting together for a weekend of WOMEN POWER!!! haha! Or the thought that I would have to share my feelings with women I didn't know or even my own mother for that matter... blah! Too mushy for me! The fact is though, TOFO is not at all like that. I learned so much and feel uplifted and more confident in my divine role as a women.
Very inspiring people were able to come share their stories and their talents and I wanted to jot down some thoughts before they left my mind and in consequence don't allow me to be a better person or mend my soul, but instead by writing I can reflect on how I feel in hopes to truly allow the things I learn to take affect on the way I lead my life.
As you know I have two beautiful little boys and one sweet little girl! I confess, I feel I have always known I would have boys. I feel I have been called to have boys and knew that I felt that at a young age. I was chosen to raise boys in this life and teach them righteousness and help them be prepared to serve a mission. I took that responsibility seriously and I was never going to jeoperdize myself to not get those boys I was asked to raise.
I remember one evening in particular while I was in High School or first year of college, and feeling down in Spirit and finding myself on my knees praying for peace and strength and knowledge on what I should do. In that moment I saw a little round blonde boy with big chunky cheeks, and he was mine, and he was needing me to make changes in my life to prepare myself for him to come to me. I could feel other spirits with him needing me to do the same thing. I felt they were my children and I had an obligation to fight against the things I wanted or "my plan"- if you will- and do what the Lord wanted, and on His time, and with His plan for me. I repented and asked for forgiveness and expressed the love I had at my tender age for my unborn children I would soon meet, and thanked my Heavenly Father for answering my prayers and giving me the comfort that these Spirits were counting on me and that He would one day trust me enough to send me these children to me to raise. I have always remembered that and will forever be greatful for this sacred experience, which later led me to many difficult choices I have had to make, to be with the worthy priesthood holder I am with and have the wonderful family I have.
On that note, like I said, I KNEW I would have boys! It was no shock to me when I found out Carlyle would be joining our family. However; I had never given much thought to being a mother of a daughter. I didn't worry about raising Lenore, like I do my boys. I get girls, I DO NOT get boys! and their hormones, or puberty, or jokes and dumb cartoons they think are funny. I can handle the tears and the sensitivity of body image, and giggling over boys... I love that I have a daughter- even though to be honest I was completely shocked to find out I was having a little girl- and am truly thrilled I get to be her mom! I didn't realize though, what a divine calling it was to be a mother of a daughter until this weeked. I was chosen to be the mother of this beautiful, perfect little angel and she needs me to guide her to her spiritial potential, just as much as my boys. She is a divine daughter of God and I am her sole example of what a daughter of God should be. It is a HUGE responsibilty. I am up for the task because it is what was asked of me.
For some reason... Heavenly Father trusted me enough to put his arms around me and call me by name and ask me to raise these children and bring them home to Him. I feel unworthy to have such perfect beings in my life, yet so incredibly grateful for the opportunity I have to be their mom and recieve the joy they bring me! I know as sure as the sun rises that being a women and being a mother is a divine calling and I couldn't ask for a grater assurance then knowing that it is not only my desire to have these children in my life, but it is also Heavenly Fathers desire for me. I do write these things in the name of Jesus Christ and am so grateful for my own mother and her example to me and love she has always had for me. I hope Lenore will one day see the love I have for her, like I see my mother has for me, when she one day steps into the shoes as a role of a mother.
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